Funny Quotes

My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.

It’s useless to hold a person to anything they say when they are in love, drunk, or running for office.

Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

If she were a president, she’d be Baberham Lincoln.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, just try missing a couple of payments.

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

I’m great in bed; I can sleep for days.

Of course I’m not perfect; there’s a crack in my ass!